“Transformation” by Cecille Valino

I wake up short of breath and I haven’t even run this morning.  In fact, I’m disappointed because I haven’t logged miles at all since Sunday.
I’m disappointed with a lot of things.  And if people knew things about me, they’d be disappointed with me.  I know they wouldn’t’ like the real me.
I think I’ve done a lot, but I haven’t.  There are a lot of things I say I’ll do but I won’t.  I really just want to connect with people.  I don’t want to do so many things.
I want people to like me or at least like the image I put out there, but the real me just wants extra credit.  I want people to say “She’s so good.  She has talent.”  When I don’t.
The real me is not talented.  I have to work hard to do the same things other find easy.  “It’s so easy,” my Dad would say.  But it wasn’t, not for me.
I worked hard and I was ashamed that I had to.  So, I hid the hard work.  I struggled harder to hide the effort.  Because I wasn’t as good.
I wasn’t as smart.
I was dumb.
I am a dumb girl.
If I were really smart, I’d be able to do it all.  And “You’re smart,” he’d say, “so do everything.”

Cecille Valino

Foto by L. K. Thayer

© 2011

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3 comments

  1. lkthayer · February 11, 2011

    Oh, Cecille, thank you so much for this courageous work, we have all felt this way & that way. Your work is marvelous, keep writing! Welcome to The Juice Bar! 🙂

  2. Roz Levine · February 11, 2011

    What a brave and honest piece, something so many of can relate to.
    Roz

  3. paul mckay · February 11, 2011

    It is brave to open yourself up and be so vulnerable. Keep up rhe good writing.

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